Inkheart: Questions Only Style
by The Rook Thief
Summary: Yes, it's silly, but this is what happens when you put an author without the actual book on hand, the game Questions Only, and Inkheart together. WARNING: May contain spoilers.
1. Dustfinger's Questionable Arrival

This is what happens when Inkheart becomes a game of Questions Only!

(_Night, Mo's house_)

Meggie: Oh snap, who's that creeper staring up at our house in the middle of the night while it's pouring rain?

_Meggie skips to Mo's room, where he is pretending to read a book but really he's totally falling asleep_

Meggie: Mo, who's the stalker outside our house?

Mo: _snorts awake_ Uhm, what stalker?

Meggie: Psh, what do you mean, what stalker?

Mo: I mean...what are you talking about?

Meggie: Were you even listening?

Mo: What if I wasn't?

Meggie: What if I smacked you upside the head with a large-ish dictionary?

Mo: Would it hurt?

Meggie: I dunno, would it?

Mo: Why don't you show me this weirdo?

Meggie: How come he's out there?

Mo: How should I know?

Meggie: Doesn't it creep you out that he's there?

Mo: _laughs_ What were you reading before bed, _Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde_?

Meggie: Psh, seriously, you know there really is a guy outside my window?

Mo: Has he got a hairy face?

Meggie: _glares, tugs Mo to her room_ SEE?

Mo: Well, whaddya know?

Meggie: Who is it?

Mo: Shouldn't you go to bed while I take care of this visitor that I somehow know has come to see me even though it's dark and rainy out?

Meggie: Why don't you make me?

_They go to open the door._

Mo: Dustfinger?

Dustfinger: _appears out of darkness dripping wet, wipes his face on his sleeve and offers Mo the same hand_ Douche who read me out of my book and away from my family who I never really paid attention to anyway?

Mo: Is that necessary?

Dustfinger: _checks out Meggie_ When did this girl I've apparently seen before get boo-I mean..grow up?

Mo: When did your hair get so long?

Dustfinger: Oh yeah, she was three then wasn't she?

Mo: Seriously though, about the hair...isn't it a fire hazard for a FIRE EATER to have LONG HAIR?

Dustfinger: Is it any of your business?

Mo: Meggie, will you go to bed so I can have tea with this guy late at night without telling you why?

Meggie: Still liking that dictionary-upside-the-head business?

Dustfinger: What?

Mo: Can't you just do what I say?

Meggie: _doesn't do what he said_

Dustfinger: _to Mo_ Can't you tell I'm a suspiciously suspicious character?

Mo: Why are you here?

Dustfinger: Where's the book?

Mo: You know this isn't the movie right?

Dustfinger: Wait, that's not how this goes?

Mo: Aren't you supposed to "warn me" about Capricorn?

Dustfinger: How should I know, do I look like Cornelia Funke?

Mo: What if I said yes?

Dustfinger: How do you feel about hospitalization?

Mo: The Rook Thief doesn't have the book right now, does he?

Dustfinger: If he did, would we be wondering if this is the right script?

Mo: Are you getting tired of this non-stop questioning?

Dustfinger: Psh...is the sky blue?

Mo: How is that related?

Dustfinger: Uhm...how..do...you know...it...um...isn't?

Mo: I take that as a yes?

Dustfinger: Wait what?

Mo: May we move on?

Dustfinger: Uh yeah, did you know Capricorn wants the book and you shouldn't underestimate him?

Mo: Haven't you said this before?

Dustfinger: Isn't it time you went up and randomly touched Meggie's foot to see if she was spying on you cuz she totally was?

Mo: Weren't you going to say something else?

Dustfinger: Wouldn't you cut things short if you didn't have the script to go off of?

Mo: Where is the book?

Dustfinger: The book IN the book, or the real book ABOUT our book?

Mo: Can't you tell I mean The Rook Thief's copy of Cornelia Funke's Inkheart?

Dustfinger: Didn't The Rook Thief lend it to his closest friend?

Mo: Should we wait to finish this until The Rook Thief gets his script back?

Dustfinger: Can I go now?

Mo: Uhm do you have a place to stay?

Dustfinger: Is your daughter really going to like it if I stay here?

Mo: So you're leaving?

Dustfinger: Can we meet tomorrow?

Mo: What time?

Dustfinger: When does Meggie get out of school?

Mo: Shall we meet around one then?

Dustfinger: Is that your answer to my question?

Mo: Can you get out of my hair now?

Dustfinger: _poof, is gone_

Mo: _goes up, checks Meggie's feet_ Were you eavesdropping?

Meggie: Can't you tell by how cold my feet are?

Mo: How much did you hear?

Meggie: Nothing except who's Capricorn and what book and WHO THE HECK IS THIS ROOK THIEF I KEEP HEARING ABOUT?

Mo: Thought you didn't hear anything?

A/N: Please review, and know that this was only a silly little parody I felt like doing out of the blue. If you'd like me to continue, let me know in your review. Otherwise I think I'm done. I sincerely hope you enjoyed a little of it at least. ~The Rook Thief


	2. Meggie Meets the Questionable Marten

Inkheart: Questions Only Style

A/N: I continued this because apparently I have entertained someone and they want me to continue. I'm pleased that those who gave me positive reviews approved. Thank you for reading!

(_Way too early in the morning, the day after Dustfinger's arrival_)

Meggie: _wakes up_ Mo, why are you packing my stuff way too early in the morning?

Mo: Did I wake you?

Meggie: Isn't it obvious?

Mo: What do you want for breakfast?

Meggie: Why don't you answer my question?

Mo: How long have you known me?

Meggie: What does that matter?

Mo: Shouldn't you know we're off to fix up some books?

Meggie: Oh so this isn't because you're terrified Capricorn will come and steal your precious book?

Mo: Why do you ask?

Meggie: Whose books are we fixing this time?

Mo: Have I ever told you about your Aunt Elinor?

Meggie: Is she a crazy old cat lady?

Mo: Did I tell you that?

Meggie: When do we leave?

Mo: What do you want for breakfast?

_They leave, only to find Dustfinger waiting at the gate._

Dustfinger: Can I stand in your way obnoxiously until you stop the car and talk to me?

Mo: Must you?

Dustfinger: Where are you off to, Silvertongue?

Mo: I thought you told me I shouldn't underestimate Capricorn?

Dustfinger: Are you ditching me?

Mo: What if I was?

Dustfinger: You've done this to me before, remember?

Mo: What do you want?

Dustfinger: What happened to us meeting later today?

Mo: Haven't YOU ever changed your mind?

Dustfinger: Well, if you're taking off, can I escape Capricorn with you?

Mo: That depends, why do YOU need to escape him?

Dustfinger: You still owe me...don't you?

Mo: Fine you can come, do you have your bags?

Meggie: Is this where I dramatically leap out of the van and refuse to go anywhere until I've been told what's going on? _Leaps dramatically out of the van and refuses to go anywhere until she's been told what's going on_

Mo: What the heck are you doing?

Dustfinger: You haven't told her?

Mo: Does she really need to know?

Dustfinger: Did you know that if I had children I'd want to tell them about nice things too?

Mo: I thought you DO have children?

Dustfinger: Oh yeah...I do?

Meggie: Won't you tell me what's going on?

Dustfinger: I guess this is where I advance creepily towards you and tell you about Capricorn?

Meggie: The Zodiac sign?

Dustfinger: If you saw a cat killing a bird, I expect you'd cry, wouldn't you?

Meggie: Do I still look three to you or something?

Dustfinger: Have you ever had any experience with a real criminal?

Meggie: Do stories count?

Dustfinger: Are you serious?

Meggie: Do I look like I'm joking?

Dustfinger: You honestly think story book bad guys count as real criminals?

Meggie: ...maybe?

Dustfinger: Have you ever seen Capricorn relish in the suffering and fear of those around him?

Meggie: God, why are you so creeeepy?

Dustfinger: What about Basta and his men?

Meggie: Do you have to keep advancing on me like that?

Dustfinger: Do you understand the danger you are in?

Meggie: You're kidding, right?

Dustfinger: Do you know what your father has that Capricorn wants, because Capricorn gets whatever he wants, you know that now, don't you?

Meggie: Can we go now?

_They get into van_

Dustfinger: Can I introduce a certain someone to your daughter, Silvertongue?

_Pulls out Gwin_

Meggie: AWWWWW... Is it a ferret?

Gwin: ?

Dustfinger: OMFG NO, CAN'T YOU TELL HE'S NOT A FERRET?

Meggie: ummm...Ermine?

Gwin: ?

Dustfinger: You're pulling my leg right?

Meggie: ...cat?

Gwin: ?

Dustfinger: SERIOUSLY, DON'T YOU KNOW A MARTEN WHEN YOU SEE ONE?

Meggie: Ohhhh, it's a marten?

Dustfinger: … * facepalms*

Meggie: Does he bite?

Dustfinger: Why don't you pet him and find out?

Meggie: _petting Gwin_ Hey, are these horns?

Mo: Why don't you just forget you ever saw those?

Meggie: Who ever heard of a horned ferret?

Dustfinger: _sighs_ Really, Meggie?

Meggie: Er...I mean...who ever heard of a horned...marten?

Gwin: ?

To be continued...if I get reviews asking me to write more.


	3. Elinor the Questionable Bibliophile

PART THREE

(_Arriving at Elinor's house_)

Meggie: Duuuude, what's with that gate?

Mo: Hey, since when am I "dude" to you?

Meggie: Who cares?

Dustfinger: Does anyone else think that gate suggests our friend has dogs? Big ones? The size of calves?

Meggie: Do you mean calves like the baby cows or calves like your leg?

Dustfinger: _disdainful expression_

_Mo rings bell._

_Silence._

_Mo knocks._

_Nothing happens._

_Dustfinger kicks door down._

Dustfinger: HONEY, I'M HOME, IS ANYONE HERE?

Elinor: Good heavens, good heavens, good heavens, what is all this god-awful racket?

Mo: Hello, is it ok if I randomly show up on your doorstep and say I'm here to fix your books even though you're my missing wife's relative and not mine and secretly I'm totally running away from an evil dude named Capricorn?

Elinor: Heavens, yes, what took you so long?

_Meggie and Dustfinger smile like dopes and hope to be noticed_

Elinor: _notices_ Oh poo, Mortimer, why did you have to bring HER? I don't suppose we could put her in a playpen like last time?

Mo: _glares_

Elinor: And who the heck is this weirdo with a mashed-up face and surprisingly long hair for a fire-eater?

Dustfinger: _brightly_ I'm Dustfinger, can we come in?

Elinor: _glances at broken down door_ Haven't you already?

(_Time passes_)

Elinor: Did you know I once found a piece of salami inside a book?

(_More time passes_)

Elinor: Yeah...The Rook Thief sooooo doesn't have the book, does he?

Gwin: ?

(_Some more time passes_)

Mo: Hey, Elinor, will you come meet me sneakily in the library?

Elinor: Good heavens, why?

Meggie: Do you HAVE to keep saying that?

Elinor: Good heavens, Mortimer, how did your daughter get to be such a brat?

Meggie: _scowls_

_Elinor and Mo sneak off, Meggie follows, stalked by Dustfinger_

Dustfinger: _grabs Meggie from behind, and presses his hand roughly against her mouth_

Meggie: OMFG, RAPE!

Dustfinger: What, no!

Meggie: MOLESTER!

Dustfinger: Shut up, I'm a stalker, not a rapist pedo, now go spy on your father, okay?

Meggie:_ goes and spies on her father_

Elinor and Mo: !

Meggie: _gets caught_

Elinor: Good heavens, how long have you been standing there?

Meggie: Can I see the book?

Mo: Can you go away?

Meggie: SHOW ME THE BOOK, PLEEEEEASE?

Mo: Meh... Why're you so persuasive? _Shows book_

Meggie: _Just happens to see the page with the horned marten_ OMFG IS THAT DUSTFINGER'S HORNED FERRET?

(_Yet more time passes_)

Dustfinger is randomly juggling in Elinor's yard

Meggie: Whatcha doin?

Dustfinger: _drops ball_ Can't you TELL?

Meggie: Why is Gwin in the book Mo obsesses over?

Dustfinger: _relaxes in lawn chair_ Did he give it to the old hag?

Meggie: How does that effectively answer my question?

Dustfinger: Aren't you supposed to ask if I really stuck Gwin's horns on?

Meggie: Did you really stick those horns on Gwin?

Dustfinger: _annoyingly cryptically_ Hmm did I?

Meggie: Why do you have to be such a creepy douche?

Dustfinger: HEY, why do you say that?

Meggie: Oh, so you DIDN'T stand creepily outside my house in the middle of the night, check me out very thoroughly when you first saw me, diss me, kick down my great-aunt's door, grab me stalkerishly from behind and make me spy on my own dad for you?

Dustfinger: … Hey, want to watch me play with fire?

(_Later_)

Dustfinger: Hey Elinor, can you set the alarm for a later time so I can do this date with Meggie late at night?

Elinor: Good heavens, shouldn't she be in bed by eight o' clock?

Meggie: _muttering_ Seriously?

Mo: What do you mean, you have a date with my daughter?

Dustfinger: _smirks_ No worries, Silvertongue, don't you think she'll like my performance?

Mo: Is it just me or was that an innuendo?

Elinor: Are you a pedophile, Matchstick-Swallower?

Dustfinger: Oh cmon, have you ever SEEN me swallow one of my matches?

Elinor: Haven't you?

Dustfinger: ...Yes, but isn't that besides the point?

Elinor: Aren't you avoiding the question?

Dustfinger: ...WELL, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?

(_That night_)

_Dustfinger is not wearing a shirt._

Dustfinger: Won't you sit down, pretty lady?

Meggie: Dude, where's your shirt?

Dustfinger: Psh, what fire-eater eats fire with a shirt on?

Meggie: What fire-eater has long, flammable hair?

Dustfinger: ...Uhm, hey do you hear that?

Meggie: Hear what, nutso?

Dustfinger: The wind, can you hear it?

Meggie: Um...no?

Dustfinger: I had a word with it, so it won't be blowing and catching my hair on fire or nuthin, isn't that cool?

Meggie: You know I'm not three, right?

Dustfinger: Oh just shut up why don't you?

_He does his thing_

Meggie: Hey what are those voices?

_They look over at the house._

Meggie: Mo...?

To be continued...

A/N: The more reviews I get asking me to continue, the faster I will post new chapters!


	4. Dustfinger's Questionable Return

PART FOUR

(_after Mo is kidnapped...willingly...by Capricorn's men_)

Elinor: Good heavens, where has that match-stick eater got to now?

Meggie: Oh no, did they take him too?

Elinor: Meggie...would you strangle me if I told you I have the book your father is supposed to be taking to Capricorn right now?

Meggie: What? What book did you send in its place?

Elinor: Not sure, was it _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_, or _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_?

Meggie: What have you done?

Elinor: ...or maybe it was _A HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy_?

Meggie: Do you realize you've just sent my father to a very dangerous man with the wrong book?

Elinor: Oh, good heavens, I hope it wasn't my diary I put in its place...what if they read it?

(_Meanwhile, in Capricorn's village_)

_Capricorn opens the book Mo has brought him._

_**Elinor's Diary**_

_**6/14/2004**_

_**8:00 pm**_

_**...I think I am madly in love with Captain Hook... Oh good heavens, why oh why, Elinor, do you always fall for the villains? ...It must be the mustache...**_

Capricorn: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

(_Back at Elinor's house_)

_Meggie is outside, looking at Inkheart_

Dustfinger: _appearing creepily out of nowhere_ MAHHH!

Meggie: OMFG WOULD YOU STOP STALKING ME?

Dustfinger: Ohhh...so YOU'VE got the book?

Meggie: Where have you been?

Dustfinger: Stealing a moped, following Capricorn's men to where they've got your father, receiving my next double-crosser's mission, and coming back to pretend I'm not a double-crosser, what about you?

Meggie: Is my father ok?

Dustfinger: No, want to go recklessly save him with me?

Meggie: Will you stop stalking me if I do?

Dustfinger: Of course not, why would I?

Meggie: _sigh_

Dustfinger: Elinor's not coming though, alright?

Elinor: I'M COMING, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

Dustfinger: How did she know?

Elinor: You really think I'm going to let a pyromaniac pedophile go off ALONE with my great-niece?

Dustfinger: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M A PEDO?

_turns to Meggie_

Dustfinger: Come on then, princess, guess who's got candy in their van?

Meggie: o.0

To be continued...


	5. Capricorn's Questionable Unicorn

PART FIVE

(_outside Capricorn's village_)

Basta: I HAVE A GUN, oh, hey Dustfinger, how are you?

Dustfinger: Just swell, you?

Elinor: What's going on here?

Meggie: Did you forget to say good heavens?

Elinor: ...Good heavens, what's going on here?

Basta: Have you seriously not figured out that this pedophile here double-crossed you?

Dustfinger: Seriously, do I look like a pedophile?

_They all look at him. He attempts to look innocent and fails._

Basta, Elinor, and Meggie: Yes?

(_in Capricorn's church_)

Basta: Hey Silvertongue, you know I'm threatening your daughter with this knife here right?

Mo: Oh really?

Basta: Hey, little girl, how's my breath? _Haaaahhh_

Meggie: Wow, how do you get your breath so overwhelmingly pepperminty?

Basta: Would you laugh if I told you?

Meggie: Probably?

Basta: Then what makes you think I'm gonna tell you?

Capricorn: _enters_ Alright then, shut up, all of you, or do you want me to chuck stuff at your faces?

Mo: Won't you let Meggie and Elinor go?

Elinor: Yes, Candycorn, won't you let us go?

Capricorn: WHAT? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK MY NAME IS CANDYCORN?

Elinor: I'm sorry, it's just, you have very feminine lips, what's your real name?

Capricorn: Can't you tell I'm the evil and fierce Capricorn who fears nothing?

Elinor: ...Like the goat?

Capricorn: AAAAARGH, I'm so killing you, what gives you the right to come in my church and call me names?

Dustfinger: Yeah...sorry...that's my fault isn't it?

Capricorn: Yes, what the hell did you bring HER for?

Dustfinger: _shrugs_

Capricorn: _sigh_ Whatever, maybe I'll put her to work in the kitchens?

Basta: Ergh, you want her touching our food?

Capricorn: Good point, should I put her on bedpan duty instead?

Elinor: _Is horrified_

Capricorn: DARIUS, YOU MISSED YOUR CUE, WHERE ARE YOU?

Darius: H-H-Here, w-w-what do you need?

Capricorn: For you to hand some books off to Silvertongue, what else?

Darius: _hands books off_

Capricorn: Read those out loud, or we'll kill your daughter, how's that sound?

Basta: Yeah, because "p-p-poor, st-st-stuttering P-P-Professor Quirrell" over there can't-oh, sorry, wrong book?

Mo: _reads aloud_

Farid: _magically appears along with heaps and heaps of treasure_

Capricorn: WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

Farid: Omg...why can I speak English?

Meggie: Hey...does anyone else think he's kind of really attractive?

Dustfinger: _raises hand_

Farid: o.0

Capricorn: PUT THEM ALL IN THE CAGES! Now. Where did I park my unicorn?

To be continued... The more positive reviews I get asking for more, the faster I post!


	6. The Questionable Escape

PART SIX

(_Inside a cell in Capricorn's village_)

Dustfinger: _shows up_ Hey guys I betrayed, what's up?

Mo: Oh not much, you?

Dustfinger: I might bust you guys outta here if you give me Meggie, isn't that great?

Mo, Elinor, Meggie: SAY WHAT?

Dustfinger: Er I mean, hey guys what are we all waiting around for?

Elinor: Why should we suddenly trust him? Hasn't anyone else noticed he's a tricksy liar and a pedophile to boot?

Dustfinger: Okay SERIOUSLY the pedo thing is really getting old, don't you think?

Mo: Okay we can go, but save the kid next door ok?

Dustfinger: _magically picks lock with burnt fingers from a part of the story I haven't even mentioned_

_Meggie goes in, Dustfinger's arm magically appears with flashlight_

Meggie: _points flashlight at Farid_ Maaaaaan...is he sexy or what?

Farid: _leaps at Meggie_ MAHHHHHHHHH!

Meggie: Oh snap, but at least he's not a pedophile and is reasonably attractive?

Mo: DUDE. Not cool, quit molesting my daughter, what's wrong with you?

Farid: _grins_ Molest, molest?

Meggie: ...Should I NOT be liking this?

Elinor: Can we GO now?

_They go._

Dustfinger: _slits everybody's tires_ Meeeheheeheh!

Meggie: Isn't that Basta's knife?

Dustfinger: _shifty eyes_ Meeeeybe...?

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter and the delay in this story, but it's better than nothing, is it not?


	7. Letter of Apology

IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Dearest readers, I am loathe to inform you that I shall unfortunately be leaving for the time being and shall be unable to produce any more chapters to unfinished stories. I apologize most sincerely for leaving you all hanging. If I had things my way, I would continue writing, but I simply do not have the time. The way this story is, is the way it shall have to stay. Sincerely, The Rook Thief


End file.
